Why I took a break from the thing I loved... An Identity Crisis

Has anyone ever heard the phrase, "too much of a good thing is too much of a good thing"? My obsessive personality has a heard time knowing when too much is too much, here's a story to prove it. At the ripe young age of 11, I discovered something that I thought was amazing. I could play the saxophone, or more simply I could make music. From that day forward a passion grew for all things music and saxophone, and everyone thought it was great. Most importantly, I loved that everyone thought it was great. Adults would come up to me and say, "Wow, it's so great that you've finally found you niche'!" Positive attention was not something I had recieved a lot of at that time so I was in my glory.

By age 16 though, I was tired. I had essentially become addicted, which is weird I know but let me explain. An addiction is anything you can not stop doing regardless of the negative consequences. I had developed an obsession with being the best and would do whatever it took to be the best. It doesn't sound bad on the surface but the problem was that if after I was done performing, eight different people didn't come up and say it was amazing, I thought I sucked. Was I cocky, outwardly yes. But on the inside I was a scared, self consious little kid looking for validation and it was an exhausting. It actually got to the point where I stopped playing because I enjoyed and began playing solely to hear someone boost my shattered seld esteem.

My decision to take a break from music came a few months after dropping out of college. Who was I? What did I want? Why was I here? These were questions that plagued my brain late at night as I stared at the ceiling. I put those questions and music aside to deal with more pressing issues in my recovery and sobriety and it was the best thing that I ever did. When I left my dream college and dream music program with my dream teachers to go to treatment, I viewed it as the end of the world. I was washed up and burnt out and I was barely 20. My life was over. (Melodramatic, I know!) But, these were very real and valid emotions at the time.

Through 6 different stays in inpatient treatment, 4 outpatient programs and too many therapists to even begin to count, my favorite lesson is this; Everyone's journey happens in their own time. Some follow a more linear path, other's experience big ups and downs, and some have to hit rock bottom before they make any upward movement and you know what? That's okay! It's all part of the journey of growing up and maturing. Some people pick a career or life path and stick with it until death, some change fifty different times and that's okay too! The reason I put down the saxophone is because I wanted to find out who I was without it and there is no shame in that.

The whole point of this post is less about the saxophone or music and more about finding self confidence and peace for yourself and not from others around you. It takes time and trust me, I don't have it figured out yet. But who knows, maybe one day I finally be out on a gig and walk away content regardless of who claps. For now, I'm learning to like me and honestly, I'm not so bad.