Learning To Live Sober, Not Just Stay Sober

Okay, so I like drama or maybe I've just grown used to it. Being that I am a person who struggles with addiction and mental illness, drama is a thing that has followed my daily life for years. If your an addict you know that our lives are full of terrifying highs and crushing lows. Having a neutral day is a rare thing and honestly it takes some getting used to. Today I woke up did my dishes, watched my church service via live stream and then did yoga. Throw in some grocery shopping and laundry and it's been a pretty calm, nonexciting weekend. But as I find myself sitting here I keep thinking of ways to screw it all up. Why?

A year ago today I was eyeball deep in addiction to various substances and was dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD that were totally out of control. I had no idea what a normal day would bring. The daily frantic search for, use and then cover up of drugs and alcohol became like this super "fun" game that I played with myself. Also the on going thoughts of suicide, frequent panic attacks and trying to keep all my lies straight kept me pretty buzy. It was also completely and utterly exhausting but it gave me the only purpose my sad life had. Each day was full of new and exciting ways that Hurrican Erin could bring destruction to herself and those around her.

Looking back I feel like I could potentially have been more addicted to the chaos than my drugs of choice. That "high" of trying to keep it all together and keep up appearances seemed fun?? But was it really? No. Not at all. And let's be honest drugs wanted more from me than I was willing to give. They wanted my future, my family, my education, my spirituality and my life. On October 23, 2019 I decided that that was too big a price to pay and I was going to get sober and stay sober. The rest of the story is it's own rollercoaster of ups and downs and victories and failures. But now I'm finished with inpatient treatment and am quickly approaching the end of my time in sober living and sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself.

Life has far less drama now that it ever did while I was using. I live a pretty typical uneventful life in a house full of other sober women. I go to IOP, to meetings, to the grocery store and to church. That's it. I'm not saying that I don't like my life. I'm finally living a real life not just scraping by. But it does take a little getting used to. I wake up in the morning and there's no drugs to get, no money to steal, no one to manipulate and no suicidal thoughts to ward off. My excitement know comes from reading philosophy, going on hikes and looking for honest work. Yep, pretty boring. But I'm starting to see that life has plenty of good things to offer and I don't need to use to "keep it fun."

This afternoon I sat on my porch and stared at the clouds and was just amazed and how beautiful they were. Now I know what your thinking," she's quit doing drugs and now she's gone soft!" But it was nice to be content in that moment and to not want anything more. My dad once said that life is lived in those simple moments while we're waiting for somethng to happen. Yeah, it's not as exciting as those wild "war stories" that we tell at 12 step meetings but this isn't going to kill me. I can sit down with my parents, look them in the eye and be proud to tell them what I did this weekend. I don't have anything to cover up and I don't have to try to hide a hangover.

There is defenitly a learning curve to living sober but the best way to figure it out is to stay sober. The longer I live life as the productive, honest person that God wants me to be. I am becoming someone that I can be proud of, someone I can look in the eye. So yeah, it might not be the most exciting life but it's finally my life and not my substances. I will just keep on with the boring everyday life because that is the one that I can be proud of.