The Things We Think But Don't Say

Hey, I'm Erin and I'm messed up. Ok, just kidding...kinda. You know those things you were warned in youth group never to become, I became all of them. You know the drug doing, sex having, cigarette smoking, rap listening, rebellious alcoholic sinner? Why, hello there. It's not like I'm proud of any of those things, except the rap (can you rap The Real Slim Shady from memory? Didn't think so.) But seriously, all of those negative ugly things, plus a few more, have seriously impacted my life. But does that make me unlovable???

Sure, I know what your thinking. No Erin, of course not. But, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's asked that question. I've sat through many long winded church services secretly hoping someone would finally be real. Not "I really hope pastor finishes so I can get to IHOP" real,but like, NO BULLSHIT real. I've sat in many pews and wondered if anyone else there has ever been depressed, anxious, suicidal, hopeless, angry, miserable, hungover, etc. But is that even something a person can ask? How do you even bring that up? When someone hands you a bulletin do you shake their hand and ask,"Have you ever tried to kill yourself?" That would most likely be considered a little "inappropriate". So, what do you do?

Well to be honest, I'm not exactly sure. That's why I've decided to write this blog. I'm here to tell you that if you asked me that question I would answer yes because it's true. I have. In fact, there really isn't alot that I havent tried (minus murder and gas station sushi.) But if you've ever felt alone in the pews of your church, I know that feeling. If you've ever felt like the black sheep of God's family, I know that feeling. If you've ever felt like you've fucked up one too many times for God to still love you, join the club. Now sure, I know that none of those things are true, but they are still very real feeling sometimes and are totally valid. I've searched the internet for people like me who are all too familiar with their failures and short comings, but haven't given up on church and a relationship with God, without much luck.

So, I decided to become that honest person I couldn't seem to find. I'm a hot steaming dumpster fire sometimes but that isn't really who I am. A year and a half ago I began a dark lonely journey through the bullshit and facades of my life to find my core self. Have I arrived? Nope. I'm closer though and I'm starting to see that those labels that I used to describe myself aren't actually me. I remeber my first ever AA meeting where a woman introduced herself as a "grateful alcoholic." That shocked me because I couldnt utter the dreaded "A" word without wanting to throw up. Shame is such a powerful thing. It took me a while to realize it but I want what that woman had, the ability to own it but not let it own you.

So, I'm finally coming out of the closet as the imperfect hot mess that I am. I will hold nothing back. I will do what I've wanted someone to do for me for so long, tell the ugly truth. World, here I am, I'm done hiding. I hope that you'll join me on this journey to wholeness and truth, to find acceptance and love for ourselves so that we can accept the love of God and others. You don't need to be anything other than what you are to be here. All are welcome. Just do yourself a favor and take off the mask (they can get quite hot) and join me in a search for the "real me." It's time to verbalize those fears that bounce around in our heads like a drunk pinball. If you are imperfect, welcome home.